Posts Tagged ‘relationship’

As a recovering addict I failed in the past to prioritize my life. When I think back on my life, my priorities were to party, sleep, and party some more.  I never felt at ease in my life, always restless, always wanting something more, never happy of what I have, and where I am.

I turned to religion to fill the emptiness, I tried hobbies, shopping sprees etc. Still the feelings of, emptiness, and restlessness would not go away.  One of my major reasons for relapse thinking back was religion.  When I did something wrong, I felt guilty, and I started to crave.  In the end I would start drinking again, drugging again.

“I am not trying to offend anybody who has found religion.  All the statements I make is out of my point of view”.

I began to experience true freedom this year, when I started looking at addiction through a medical, and scientific viewpoint.  When I started viewing addiction as a disease.  I starting seeing immense growth in my own life.  When started using the right medication, when I got CBT from the right Clinical Psychologist, and when I implemented certain things in my life, that emptiness that I talked about earlier disappeared.

For the first time in my life, I can think logically, and rationally about things.  I don’t ask questions like “God why me? God are you testing me? God where are you?  God Please help me.” I never got an answer. If something positive happened, I thought “hey God is answering my prayers” I came to realise that it has only happened, because of what I did.

I also justified my addiction through religion. ‘’I can use, because my sins are forgiven. If I die at least I will go to heaven.”  So you see for me, religion was detrimental. It was always a cop out. Everything happens for a reason right? With this mentality, you would never do something.  I would rather say ‘’every action has a reaction’’ We will only get as much out of life, as we put in.

For the first time in my life, I feel liberated.  I am the master of my own destiny. The captain of my own ship.  I understand myself. I know what boundaries to set.  I listen to others, I am more open to suggestions, and others opinions. 

I don’t judge others, I am humble, and I am thankful, more thankful than I ever was, because everything I do, I did it for myself. Something didn’t give it to me, or blessed me.  My priorities have changed.  I am content with myself for the first time.

Now my priorities are, to better myself, study, help others. Just living a chilled out, relaxed, comfortable life.  For me “I saw the truth, and the truth set me free”

 

P.S.  Again I am not trying to convert people reading this.  I am stating everything in regards to my life.

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Being addicted to a substance is allot like being in a romantic relationship.  Everyone of us knows that in the beginning of any relationship it’s exciting, we think of the other person all the time, You can’t get enough of each other.  We don’t see each others faults.  We try to act our best, look our best.  We basically put a mask on.

After a while as we get to know each other better ,and we start to share our feelings and secrets.  Trust is formed.  Our true nature is revealed to one another.  This is when we truly find if where compatible or not.  If not we go our separate ways, and move on.  This scenario is in a perfect world, how it should be.  Most of us try to change for the sake of the other person.  We compromise.  Which makes the other person happy, but not you.  We try to cling on to something that we know won’t work, but out of love we try.  It’s starts to become a toxic relationship.  This almost always end up in tears.

When I started using drugs, I immediately fell in love.  It gave me confidence, I had more friends than I could count.  I could party all the time, I didn’t have to sleep much, I was with people who accepted me.  After a while the honeymoon period was over.  I needed to take the substance to feel “normal”. I knew I had to stop using, but I didn’t want to.  Who am I going to be without the substance? What about all my friends? What am I going to for fun.  So I continued.

Later this toxic relationship consumed me, I became solitary, My so called friends didn’t care.  All the people that actually cared for me didn’t want to be part of my life, because they couldn’t stand the person that I have become.  Feeling isolated, and miserable, stopped.

It was very, very difficult.  It’s the same when breaking up with someone.  Breaking up doesn’t mean you stop caring, loving the other person. Some say time heals everything.  It doesn’t.  It may make it easier after a while, but you always think what could’ve been.  I still think of using, maybe this time it will be different? Maybe if I do things differently this time I can control it.

Like any toxic relationship, it will always have the same outcome.  The only difference is, it’s going to have the same (or worse) outcome much more quickly.  It’s a daily struggle not to go back.

And then you meet someone new, someone that accepts you for who you are.  Who doesn’t care about your weaknesses and insecurities.  Someone who fits you perfectly.  Someone who’s strengths compliments your weaknesses, and vice versa. You’re longing for your ex disappears.  Only memories that remind us of the worst, so that we can be thankful of what we have now.

I am finding it easier, and easier, day, by day to manage my addiction.  The more positive things I replace it with the less the cravings become.  I enjoy life. I enjoy being the new me.  I am thankful for every day that I am sober.  I know the cravings will never go away, there will always be triggers, and pitfalls. But I know going back to using will have the same or worse end every time.

I am letting my addiction, my Ex go. But I will never forget.